Tuesday, 31 May 2011

School's Out(raged)

A school in Glasgow is revising its uniform code and encouraging parents to buy their children baggier clothes in order to deter paedophiles. Apparently the sight of an obese child in tight-fitting shorts is just too much for the perverts of Strathclyde and it is hoped that cocooning the children in disused parachutes will stifle their attractiveness.

Parents are already complaining that this is PC gone mad. One mother said, in-between gulps of Special Brew, "I bought my daughter, Bacardi, a gorgeous new set of suspenders and a Pepper Pig garter belt which she was dying to show-off to her new boyfriend and the lad in year 8 who she's having an affair with. Now the school are insisting she wears an old potato sack and ritually scars her face with a Brillo pad at breaktime. It's disgusting."

Other precautionary measures put in place include:

* making the school photograph entirely pixelated as it has been proven that children are 63% less attractive when their head is shaped like a rhombus.

* staging sports day at night without floodlights and blindfolding all parents who attend.

* French lessons are to be replaced with lessons in the Birmingham accent so that children can fend off advances by sounding horrendous.

Meanwhile in another school two seven year old boys have been reprimanded for playing at soldiers without inhabiting their characters with sufficient depth. The boys, who cannot be named for legal reasons, are currently being held at a military facility in Herfordshire awaiting court marshal. They were caught running around their playground pointing their fingers at each other and shouting " Bang! Bang! You're dead!" at full volume. When she caught sight of this their teacher, Miss Stablehunch, 43, was shocked:

"I asked them what they were doing and they said they were playing Tommies and Talibans, but they didn't appear to have made even a rudimentary attempt to depict the hardships of warfare in the Afghan theatre. I quizzed them as to why they hadn't sourced any weaponry and they said they wanted to keep the game as true to life as possible. I chided them for this satirical cheek and then quizzed them about the fact that they had spread what looked like mayonaisse on the floor. Their response was that they had set their game in the Helman's Province of Afghanistan. Investigating even further I found that they had fashioned their own Improvised Explosives Device but were attempting to detonate it with a Nokia 9300, when any idiot knows that model doesn't have that function. Disgusted by the bad example they were giving I quickly sent them to the headmaster who notified the MoD. Later that day they were taken away in an unmarked car."

This bring to an end of a difficult week for the school. On Monday the PE teacher had been found giving bribes to the local football academy to make sure that the under-5s Kick-A-Boo football tournament was held on the playing fields. He has since being relieved of his duties and replaced by someone who looks exactly the same as him and will behave in precisely the same way.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Oh That's Another Gorgeous Bribe

The FIFA executive committee has been thrown into turmoil since Mohammed bin Hammam was accused of offering other delegates a go on his shiny new tricycle in return for World Cup votes.

In a letter leaked by Jack Warner, head of CONCACAF and self-proclaimed healer of lepers, it is alleged that bin Hammam said:

"Look at it, with it's gorgeous pedals inlaid with precious amber, alpaca-hide saddle and Thomas the Tank engine bell.  I'm just going to leave it here by the FIFA canteen and if any delegates should want a little ride, that's fine by me.  Oh, and apparently Qatar is lovely in January so I've heard."

Warner also alleges that he saw bin Hammam offering His Dairylea Dunkers to various African board members, though it is unclear whether this is being seen as bribery or just a lack of catering facilities on FIFA's part.

In a new twist, Sepp Blatter has said future World Cup bidding processes will be much more transparent, as he will simply display the details of his Swiss bank account on a video screen, state the price of his bribe and the first country to deposit it in his bank account will become hosts.  

2022 hosts Qatar are already favourites to win the 2026 bid.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Hail to the Chief

Barack Obama's visit to Britain has taken a sinister turn as environmental groups are gathering together evidence that suggests the CIA triggered the latest eruption of an Icelandic volcano in order to provide suitable cover for Air Force One against potential threats of land-to-air missiles.

The CIA claims that it had intelligence suggesting that some Irish dissidents had decided to try and move ahead of Al-Qaeda in the World Terrorism League by taking out their top target whilst he was over Irish soil. Whilst not strictly a contravention of the rules as laid down by the Competitive Association of Terrorist Sports (CATS) this is seen by many as the equivalent of stealing the Park Lane card from behind the Banker's back when playing monopoly. CIA sources believes that the Really Real IRA had managed to fashion a rather dangerous missile launcher out of disused hurling equipment and some decommissioned hunting crossbows and was intending to launch their attack as the Obama's plane took off for England. However the eruption of the volcano necessitated a take-off twelve hours earlier than planned and the terrorists had only just checked into their hotel and were inspecting their training facilities as the President left.

Meanwhile over in England, the English Defence League and Muslims Against Crusaders decided to down placards and join forces for one day to show their unified displeasure at Mr.Obama's visit, on the grounds that he was a better dancer than them and that he made up his middle name respectively. The Daily Mail and Express continued to fly the flag of Donald Trump's birther cause, both carrying articles that Obama was not born of woman, and was instead grown in a special Democrat laboratory in Chicago, sometime in the early nineties. Both published what they claimed to be the recipe for growing a fresh Obama. In response the White House has released intimate pictures of Obama's real life parents buying a pram in 1963.

Both the Obamas have been looking forward to remaking their acquaintance with the Windsors, who they were charmed by on their last visit to this country. Prince Phillip is also looking forward to it with relish, as he appears to be under the current apprehension that he is a memeber of the 1957 West Indies cricket team and so any race hate words that leave his mouth will be interpreted as being jovial camaraderie, rather than the usual terrifying fistballs of embarrasment. Meanwhile David Cameron has been doing his very best to convince the nation that really, some of his best friends are black. He joined forces with Mr.Obama for a quick game of basketball at a local secondary academy and proved himself quite adept at blocking any creative moves from the pupils they took on. The undoubted highlight was a slam-dunk by Mr.Cameron, although on closer inspection this was done with the aid of sitting on Nick Clegg's shoulders. Clegg was later seen sporting a flowery pinny and spraying deodouriser into Mr.Obamas sneakers.

The visit is expected to come to a climax tomorrow as Mr.Cameron unravels the traditional Sir Anthony Eden begging mat and gets down on all fours to individually fellate each of the President's toes in a bid to make sure the Americans don't desert Britain in the midst of the current financial crisis. Obama is likely to take this with the traditional good grace, before boarding Air Force One, muttering "well, Cameron certainly puts the special in that relationship" and getting back in his giant test tube full of restorative organic matter.