Friday, 17 June 2011

Greece's Goose Cooked

The EU was in turmoil last week as a series of finance ministers attempted to turn Greece upside down and waggle a knife in its slot to try and force the last few Euros out of it. Sadly after hours of sporting attempts, all that could be found was 3000 drachmas and a guidebook for the Acropolis.

A meeting later today should finalise plans to shut Greece down and begin the process of liquidation. In a move that is causing the Mediterranean country to be declared 'the Woolworths of Europe', all its remaining assets - including a hummus pic'n'mix, an Usborne Book of Greek Philosophers and the Euro 2004 trophy - will be stripped and sold off to the highest bidder. Stavros Flatley will also be executed for crimes against humanity.

Yet even as this noble country is boarded up and Bulgaria is warned against fly-posting, there are rumours of a relaunch. Taking inspiration from their Turkish competitors who straddle the Bosphorus, this failing country is set to re-open in February 2012 under the new trading name of Geese. It will specialise in exporting fat, rather than oil and will boast a fearsome army, capable of breaking a mans arm with their beaks. The new People's Repubeak of Geese will attempt to follow Iceland's lead in electing a post-recession leadership with a stronger female core, under what is being dubbed the Mother Goose legisation. There will also be a revaluation of the currency according to the Golden Egg Standard and it is hoped that by the end of the decade this new bird-based form of political-economy will help restore Geese to its past glories.

The only area for concern is that neighbouring Hungary may finally give in to its cravings and declare war/lunch against Turkey and Geese. A British Foreign Office spokesman has already confirmed that should this occur, our armaments industry is ready and willing to provide seasoning.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Arise Sir Brucie!

Bruce Forsyth has finally been knighted after years of lobbying by pressure groups who clearly have nothing better to do. Whilst most collections of people bothering their MPs have been concerned with eradicating child poverty or improving care for the elderly, a concerted number of conceited maniacs have been determined to get this creaking walnut lech a nice day out at Buckingham Palace where he can meet another couple of doddery OAPs who are several apples short of a crumble.

Many commentators are seeing Forsyth's knighthood to be a complete accident, as the aging monarch has never liked 'The Generation Game' and found him to be an unnecessary and faintly embarrasing edition to Strictly Come Dancing, akin to watching a dog playing the tuba or a German attempt empathy, something she knows all too much about. Further weight to the case of a mistaken knighthood comes from the fact that other gongs included an MBE for Otis the Aarvark, a Damehood for (now) Lady Jeremy Clarkson and a CBE for some pot pourri she found in the Windsor Castle gift shop.

When asked about her appointments at a press conference before the Trooping of the Colour, her Highness was quoted as saying: "Where's my cake? It's my fucking birthday and all Phillip got me was some TENA Lady with the royal seal on it and £20 in gift voucher for M&S. Fetch me something really spongey filled raspberry jam you filthy turncoats or I'll throw a corgi at you!"

Later on during the ceremony the Queen was seen to be vomitting into her consort's bearskin hat and loudly declaring "Wee-wee time for Lizzie!" It's believed that she took her drinking to extreme measures after being disappointed with the Guard's adoption of the 4-3-3 formation with wingbacks. Aides escorted her away and left the duty of undressing her and putting her to bed to the new Duchess of Cambridge, who is already growing into her role as the newly commissioned Groom of the Stool.

After this the Guards were dismissed and told that anyone interupting the royal hangover on Sunday morning would face a firing squad.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

The Men Who Rule The World

This Thursday the most secret elite cabal of politicians, leaders and businessmen - the Bildeberg Group - will be meeting to discuss the future of the world.

There are only 150 invitees, hand-picked by Bildeberg, thought to include ex-US President Bill Clinton, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, the Sultan of Brunei and Simon Cowell. Since the meeting is so secret no one will know that they are invited and will only discover this when they awaken from their chloroformed daze, having been captured by Bildeberg's army of velvet ninjas. Guests will remain blindfolded for the entire meeting so as to make identifying any of their cohorts or their surroundings nigh on impossible. Throughout the evening they will communicate in the language of Bildebergian, an esoteric tongue which is specially desgined to change its grammatical structure every year. It is rumoured by linguists that this years formation will include 27 genders, ummlauts over several consonants and no word for 'haddock'. This has been seen in many quarters as a blow to the fishing industry.

The group will meet for one night only in a hollowed out replica mountain somewhere in Switzerland. In order to make the event difficult to trace the mountain is erected and dismantled in a different part of the Alps every year and is guarded by a team of crack mercenaries on armoured mountain goats. Dinner will be provided for the guests by the offspring of Heston Blumenthal and Michel Roux, who kindly contributed their semen to a human genetic engineering experiment. Once this unique wunder-cook has created the sevent course banquet, he has been genetically programmed to gently disintegrate into a delicious elderflower and jasmine mousse, that will be served as a palet cleanser between courses three and four.

After the meal, cigars will be handed out to everyone - with the exception of the giant lizard contingent who will gorge on mutant fly carcases and the entrails of their yearly victims - and the evening cabaret will begin, hosted as ever, by the Chuckle Brothers. After the formalities of this five-hour feast have been completed, the guests will get down to business. There are rarely more than four issues on the agenda at any one conference and the minutes are taken in invisible ink, so it is difficult to discern what has been decided. Rumoured to be top of the priorities this year are how the revolutions in the Arab word will effect sales of Justin Bieber's new record, the possiblity of fixing the global economic crisis by altering the value of '7' and outlawing decimal points and the concerning rumours that cat-bin lady is planning a military coup in Guinea-Bisseau.

Once these issues have been fully discussed, the members remove their clothes, apart from a ceremonial thong branded with Bildeberg's own coat of arms, and join each other in a ritualised body-popping competition. Clinton is rumoured to be reigning champion for the last three years, having as he does the ability to pop other people's bodies as well as his own. Once this strange last rite is completed, the delegated will be escorted to their room by Bildeberg's specially created army of clockwork butlers, where they will again be etherised.

They will awake back in their chambers of state in the morning, transported there by Bildeberg's minions, whlilst Bildeberg can happily slip his mask back on and creep away into the shadows for another year, safe in the knowledge that the major issues are under his control and he can go back to his day job of managing Real Madrid.

Bahrain Drain

The Formula 1 ruling body, the FIA, last night refused to countenance cancelling this years Bahrain grand prix unless the authorities there agreed to brutally murder over 50% of the population.

Max Mosely, Obergrupenfuhrer of the FIA, was quoted as saying: "The people of the Middle East have an innate love of fast objects speeding round and round in circles and occassionally exploding, and it would be a terrible shame to deprive them of this joy. Unless the government takes its level of wanton violence to the stage where ever other man and young boy is taken out of their family home and shot, we shall be staging this vitally important race as planned. The people of Arabia may be rebelling for their freedom, but Sebastian Vettel has 25 crucial points to win and Lewis Hamilton needs to get his fortnightly flounce out of his system. Anyway, I must go, it's time for my 3 o'clock appointment down in the stables with Fraulein Carbarretenstup."

Plans are already afoot for the 2012/13 racing calender to include races in Iran, North Korea and the ice moon of Hoth. It appears that the millionaire sociapaths in charge of the other reckless millionaires are unhappy with the level of safety that has been brought into the competition over the past few years. Since the chances of a really spectacular flameball-related death on the track are becoming increasingly smaller, the FIA are now hellbent on spreading chaos and disaster throughout the whole event to maximise the death toll to include engineers, race strategists and the majority of the crowd.

Whilst the FIA is toying with the idea of booby-trapped pit lanes for next year, they aim to road test more local ideas in Bahrain. Plans to inflame tensions there include banning all sponsors other than Danish bacon, having the pit lane girls dress up as the Prophet Mohammed and wrapping copies of the Koran around the car tyres. It is hoped that these measures, along with plans to take races to ever more war-torn and unstable parts of the globe will put the key element of danger back into F1 and it will begin to win back its global audience from the rutting mongrels promoted by the bribe-snaffling palanquins of FIFA.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

The Little Pop Theory

Scientists from the sleepy middle-England town of Buxton working on the origins of the universe are fast coming to the conclusion that the Big Bang theory is too bombastic and should be replaced with the Little Pop. In a move that suggests generations of egotistical scientists have being talking up this branch of physics too much, these findings add growing weight to the argument that the idea that this universe is unique to be erroneous.

The Big Bang Theory has always had a grandeur, pomp and circumstance about it that has suggested this to be the only universe in existence, but Little Pop theory instead asks us to imagine a nexus of being similar to a giant cereal bowl in which various universes snap, crackle and (the successful ones) pop into being. Whether or not this process has to be begun with some sort of celestial milk being poured into the bowl is unclear, but many working in Buxton are coming to the conclusion that many of Einstein's theories make even more sense if we consider the universe as being semi-skimmed. One maverick has suggested that this universe is not actually the result of an eruption of matter outside of time, but rather is the novelty toy that you pour into your cereal bowl by mistake, end up choking on and then suing Nestle for oesophigal damage.

This grand theory of creation has been backed up on a quantum level with the emergence of silly string-theory. This branch of physics is proving particularly popular amongst proponent of the world-view that life is essentially irrational. Scientists in the CERN facility have discovered that life is inherently absurd on a sub-atomic level, after firing tiny particles at each other at huge speeds and finding that the resulting residue was a randomly pulsating string which briefly formed into a tiny fascimile of Tommy Cooper.

These particles, Cooprons, are in turn orbited by pairs of positively and negatively charged specks of matter. The positively charged particles are known as Morcambles, Barkrite, Quooks, whilst the negatively charged particles are Wiselles, Corbetteze and Moorons (one particularly dissastrous experiment some Cannonium/Ballium was created, orbitting a Pasqualean core, but it soon evaporated into obsolesence and insignificance.) It is believed that if we could harness the potential comic energy contained within these, we would be able to provide the laughter track for BBC sitcoms well into the next century.

A spokesman for the CERN facility was quoted as saying: "We're really excited about this new breakthrough after months of people seeing us as just the world's most expensive metal bagel. We hope that these findings can really help to push our understanding of the universe forward, unlike those lying scum at Buxton, who will just publish any old shit."

A spokesman at Buxton was unavailable for comment as he was too busy bathing in Coco Pops and claiming to be the Lord of All Matter.