Monday, 19 September 2011

Feeding the Bald Eagle

Australia Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd was detained at US Customs yesterday as he tried to smuggle a highly unstable jar of Vegemite into the country. Customs officials are wary of the effect such an item could have on the delicate balance of the American food chain. Vegemite is famous in its homeland for having a high vitamin B content and providing a variety of health benefits and it seems there was a concern that the insertion of what was described as "high grade, terrorist, freedom-hating health food" into the American diet could lead to a domino effect that would make hundreds of Americans slip out of obesity.

One official was quoted as saying "we have our international reputation as a nation full of spherical waste units to think about. When people think 'America', they think 'what vile, processed, fluorescent junk can we sell them to clog up their arteries with this week?' If they know we're eating this Commie kangaroo-effluvience, our reputations will be in tatters."

This contretemps at customs has followed a pattern started when the Republicans won back control of the House late in 2010. Legislation was quickly passed banning any vegetable that wasn't complimentary to fried chicken and many extreme Tea Party fanatics took part in the vanadalising of health food stores, in a horrendous night of violence towards the purveyors of lentils. Whilst many criticised the wanton violence of this 'Tofukristallnacht', both Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin gave speeches supporting the violent mobs, emphasising that Tea Parties function best on a diet of scones, muffins and cookies, not on 'government mind-control bulgur wheat and socialist chives.'

The one positive upshot of this nutritional conservatism is for the Scottish economy, which is hoping to cash in on America's desire to treat it's cholestrol levels like a Blue Peter charity donations accumulator. After working closely with scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in CERN, Scottish gastronomes have successfully deep-fried a quintuple cheeseburger without destroying the fabric of the universe. It is hoped that the Caledonian Burger Invasion, as it is being billed, will help kickstart the economy north of the border and create a Scottish Ecnomic Tiger, albeit one that wheezes and has serious gum disease.

With so much of the global economy being viewed as full of risk, many other nations are contemplating cashing in on what Noam Chomsky has coined 'The Nosebag Principle' - namely that if you can fit a nosebag onto the tottering, rotund beast that is the American public, you will surely be able to reap the reward in brown gold from the other end.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Hakana Matata

As the New Zealand rugy team crushed Japan 83-7, pundits rushed to defend the integrity of the Rugby World Cup as a meaningful sporting event, rather than a glorified parade of whey protein silos chasing a wayward leather egg, whilst innocent bystanders in opposition colours suffer hideous injuries.

After this group game the All-Blacks face the altogether more robust opposition of a series of styrofoam crates, some newborn gazelles in lycra shorts and England. After the dip in difficulty of that quarter-final tussle, the Kiwis are expected to face a real uphill battle in the semis against a team of Bulgarian haemophiliac girl guides. It is hoped that by the time the final comes round in six weeks, the RFU will have finished their genetic programme, aimed at splicing the genes of mountain gorillas, cage fighters, jugglers and Joey Barton, to provide the rampaging host nation with some meaningful opposition.

Some commentators have suggested that this is an over-reaction, since the Japanese made an estimated 42% improvement on their last performance of 144-3. Such was the magnitude of this score, that many of the Christchurch cricket loving fraternity mistook it to mean that Japan was now an adequate Test-playing nation and sent letters of congratulations to Tokyo. This was taken as mean-spirited goading by the Japanese ambassador and it took the release from a secure acquatic facility of seven koi carp arrested for alleged espionage in 1991 to avoid a diplomatic incident.

The seven points scored by Japan today should give their fans something to cheer. However on closer inspection it appears that the try was actually scored by a member of the New Zealand team, who had sneakily swapped strips at half time and was doing a very distasteful 'squinty eyes' face whilst crossing the try-line. There is a worry that this gesture, seen as genuinely sporting by the eventual victors, could spark off a whole new political crisis in the Pacific rim.

The newly generous philosophy taken by the All-Blacks out of respect for the paucity of their opponents has even found its way into their once threatening pre-match Haka. Rather than face off against the opposition in a violent ritual, the fifteen New Zealand players take time to have one-to-one spiritual healing sessions with the team they are about to play, helping them find their power animal, cleanse their chakras and hand-feeding them nourishing grain. Whilst to the outsider's eye this last action could be intepreted as the Kiwis turning their opponents into fois-gras pre-sporting demolition, their coach insists that it is the only way his starting XV can live with themselves before they embark on yet another massacre of the innocents.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Oil Help You.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron praised Libya's post-Gaddafi authorities but says the "hardest" part of the transition to a new era lies ahead.

Holding a bucket, a hosepipe and a set of bellows, Mr.Cameron was quoted as saying:

"What's going to be really tough is persuading the newly-formed Libyan government that what is really in their most vested interests is to sell as much oil us possible to myself and President Sarkozy...(Nicolas, stop dunking croissants in that well!)...in order to kickstart the Libyan economy."

"Although it would seem to be broad common sense for the Libyan people to harvest the greatest profit in order to facilitate the rehabilitation of their own country, what will really help is filling up the antiquated, batter-crusted deep fat friers of the Anglo-French economies with tasty, life-giving oil."

Cameron then went on to outline his plans for greater Euro-Libyan co-operation, whilst using strips of gooseflesh to soak up a tea cup of freshly refined North African Crude and giggling under his breath. Plans included the construction of a Mecca bingo hall in every major Libyan city, free copies of 'In The Night Garden' for all children willing to renounce Gaddaffi and a pristine HQ for the Tripoli Young Conservatives association.

"It is an honour to be here at the dawn of a new era of self-determination for Libya, as they look forward to a bright new future of independence and progress. Now do excuse me whilst I attach some strings to the wrists and ankles of every member of the National Transitional Council."