Monday, 10 October 2011

Here Today, Gonorrhoea Tomorrow

UK doctors have advised the government that gonorrhoea has turned drug resistant. One NHS spokesman confirmed the problem:

"The British Isles has become such a lubed-up fleshpit in the past decade that Sexually Transmitted Diseases such as gonorrhoea have gained a constitution similar to that of Geoff Capes. Whilst this round the clock rutting that anyone under thirty-five is engaged in is helping us keep obesity figures in check, it also means that our nation's pubic pic'n'mix of viral fungae and sexual crustaceans are growing increasingly hardy. For your average gonorrhoea infection, the past ten years have been the equivalent of a high-performance workout, resulting in some of the fittests, strongest infections the British crotch has ever witnessed. If there were a Flea Circus Olympics in 2012, Britain would be sure to take home gold in any of the pubic skiing, vaginal cliff-diving or penile gymnastics disciplines."

Doctors are developing a variety of new treatments including napalam-based creams, a genetic therapy that attempts to negotiate with the STD before capturing it in a pubic Guantanamo Bay and a protein that resembles a microscopically shrunken Jordan that it is hoped will distract the infection away from the genetalia.

However, there are concerns that this news could just be the tip of the bellend for the United Kingdom. There are rumours that a new lice-crab hybrid is currently being bred in the gusset of some particularly radioactive slags from Warrington that, if spread throughout the nation, could sterilise thousands. On the plus side Heston Blumenthal has already concotted a variety of gourmet recipes involving the lice-crab and is readying them for his Waitrose Christmas range.

Whilst the dome-headed food Frankenstein has provided a ray of light on this otherwise horrifying story of the product of national lechery, doctors all over the country were readying themselves for a winter of working at the public's crotch with a blowtorch and a set of pliers.