Thursday, 17 May 2012

Everything's Not Going Swimmingly

A third of children in England cannot swim by the time they leave primary school, according to research from the Amateur Swimming Association.  This news was greeted with an increased sense of worry from parents groups around the country, concerned that their children are going to be ill-equipped for the watery apocalyptic world that lays ahead of us once the ice caps melt.  A joint statement from the spokesmen for Parents And Nannies Do Everything Right (P.A.N.D.E.R.) said:

"This shocking revelation shows that the British education is yet again failing to equip our children adequately for the future.  Not only are our little angels unable to negotiate complex business deals in Mandarin or count to 100 without the help of an I-Phone app, but now they're going to be nothing more than fodder for killer whales."

An over-excited killer whale spokesmammal at SeaWorld Florida was also quoted as saying:


Experts in the field of Orcan Linguistic Studies suggest that this translates as the following:

"My esteemed monochrome colleagues and I are counting down the days until the oceans swell to such a great extent that we will become the dominant species on this already watery sphere, and your flailing pups are nothing more than tasty hairless monkey nuggets for us to snack on inbetween our main course of seal tartare.  In the meantime, pass me that nice red ball to play with."

The governement is already workshopping solutions to this worrying problem.  A large reason for the young children's inability to perform a simple 25 metre crawl is the fact that primates are not a naturally water-dwelling collection of creatures.  Human beings are absolutely unique compared to our ape and monkey cousins in not freaking out like a cat in a tin bath when faced with having to go for a paddle.  Animal behaviourists in the 1970s looked closely into the possiblilties of teaching other primates to swim, but had little success, the only real findings being that you can fit 12 bonobos on a lilo before it sinks and mountain gorillas find styrofoam floats a useful digestive tool. 

Added to this evolutionary problem is the simple fact that young British humans are no longer as buoyant as they used to be - childhood obesity resulting in the fact 1/3 of our youth are beginning to resemble elephant seal pups except without the maneuverabilty or the cute whiskers.  After years of trying to teach these bulbous meat sacks how to stay afloat without coccooning them in water wings, the Department of Education has decided on a radical solution. 

So many overweight, out of shape, unathletic children are dispirited by their inability to swim that they often skip swimming lessons altogether thanks to a mewling excuse note from their parent or guardian.  In response to this, the Department of Education is looking into the possibility that schools can 'cure' their desire not to swim by injecting them with a mixture of swim bladder, sea lion genes and plastic milk bottles.  It is hoped that this genetic engineering will very quickly create a new caste of children who are confident and swift underwater, whilst also being able to carry a pint of red-top in their cheeks.

A spokeman for the Department of Education was quoted as saying:

"They called me mad, mad I tell you.  But I'll show them, oh yes, I'll show them how their tubby little offspring can be transformed into wave-lolloping creatures of grace. Mwahahahahaha!"

When asked about legacy investment in swimming lessons, facilities and top class coaches in this Olympic year of all years, the spokeman threw what looked like a candied starfish at reporters, bit the head off a cuttlefish he had been holding throughout the press conference and skipped back into his offices.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

The Queen of Pop

Thousands of people have gathered in south London to meet the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh on the latest leg of their Diamond Jubilee tour, which brings to an end a stellar recording career.  Young women fainted at the sight of the dashing Prince Philip - his face now resembling a bloodhound's scrotum - whilst dandyish young men cried out requests to the sovereign to perform her greatest hits.  Although it was only a fleeting visit, Elizabeth duly obliged with a reggae version on "Annus Horriblis" and a stunning a capella performance of her country and western classic "My Husband and I".

When interviewed about their farewell Diamond Jubilee tour last month, the Queen revealed that she has taken to calling herself E-LIZ2 "in order to make one more street, although in my case I think I can only manage to be more boulevard." She confessed that it had been very difficult to keep up with current popular trends, but was trying her best to incorporate grime into her set and had been practising drum and bass with the Royal Horse Guards.  Sadly one of the horses had to be put down after the weight of the double bass broke it's ankle.  There was one brief foray into dubstep, but it had to be abandoned as it brought on the Duke of Edinburgh's angina. 

More exciting for fans are the collaborations that E-LIZ2 has been engaging in for the final date of this tour on June 4th.  E=LZSquared (a moniker she was also been performing under after three week's when she created relativity-based sound collages out of samples of Stephen Hawking's voice for the Royal Society), is rumoured to be involving JAY-Z in a re-mix of Rule Britannia, subtitled "I've Got 99 Problems But the Falklands Ain't One", whilst Dave Baddiel, Frank Skinner and the Lightning Seeds are to turn God Save the Queen into a rousing football anthem celebrating the life and times of English folk hero John Terry.  Rumours are that the finale will involve Damon Albarn being dressed up as a pearly king and then being slowly carved to pieces by members of the Chinese National Opera.

In what is certain to be an extravaganza that will unite the nation, our nation's leader is determined that she is going to go out with a bang.  "Frankly, this farewell concert is going to shit all over the Olympic opening ceremony and make it look like the Teddy Bear's picnic but without the adrenaline-filled excitement of stuffed toys making tea.  People need to remember who's fucking sceptered isle this is anyway.  The IOC have got a bloody cheek coming over here, in this of all years, and I'm going to blow their little sports day jamboree so far out the water they'll think they've just sucked off Neptune.  No one messes with HM Beth Windsor.  Testify."

Thursday, 10 May 2012

HM Work Experience

As Prince Charles took to the airwaves on BBC Scotland to deliver the weather news this afternoon, Clarence House released a press statement to confirm that this was start of a campaign by the Royal Family to help kickstart the economy, by participating in the job market themselves.

Charles, who got a D for his O-level Geography, lumbered his way through three minutes of perfunctory broadcasting whilst his consort, the Duchess of Cornwall, clopped out the correct temperatures with her hooves.  She was only accompanying the Prince of Wales for his first day of work at the BBC Meteorological Department, before she begins her own work placement at a pony school in Exeter and then later on in the year at a Prit Stick factory.

Meanwhile the Queen and Prince Philip are keen to be seen to be doing their bit for the economy as well.  After a brief stint manning the tills at the Buckingham Palace gift shop, the Duke of Edinburgh has decided to use his famed interpersonal skills and is to begin working in a call centre in Reading.  Now consumers who are desperate for some assistance getting their broadband back on line have the chance of being greeted with "Tallyho what-what!  Not to worry, you haven't got one of those little brown maharajas on the phone, it's me, your sovereign's bedwarmer.  Now how can I help you?...........Sorry, I'll have to get my nurs...supervisor.  Edward!! Edward...where is that bloody fool...."  HM Elizabeth II meanwhile has spoken of her desire to work as a checkout girl at Lidl, saying she has a great affinity for a German brand that has managed to surreptitiously conquer the British market.

According to a government paper leaked to the press, the pioneering scheme proposed by the Department of Work and Pensions hopes to see the first 250 members of the Royal Family in line for the throne working in bookies, building sites and bakeries all over the country by the end of 2012.  The statement said that "for too long we have put our most menial jobs in the hands of society's underclass and look where it has got us.  Clearly the answer is to stop our royals being such dreadful ceremonial layabouts and make them put their Swiss finishing school education to good use.  And who wouldn't want to accept a Greggs steak bake from Princess Eugenie?"

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Rupert the Bare-Face Liar

A committee of MPs has declared Rupert Murdoch "not a fit person to exercise the stewardship of a Hornby train set" and has recommended the confiscation of this, along with his favourite Lego Star Wars figurines and his David Cameron space hopper.

After months of deliberation in which the evidence that has stacked up against the octogenarian toddler has been overwhelming, the British public collectively thumped there forehead with open palms and declared "thank god they're not totally blind." Moving testimonies included a family of ants who were burnt by Murdoch with a magnifying glass and his original Elmo doll, now so scarred emotionally from Murdoch's abuse that he could only testify via video link-up and then broke down several times as he described the Australian lizard king's penchant for cruel and base torture. There are even rumours that Murdoch attempted to dissuade Elmo from testifying against him, as he threatened to release stories documenting rumours that he was involved in a gay tryst with Kermit the Frog, a move so damaging that in the often hostile, conservative American market it could have brought the recent Muppet Movie to its knees and destroyed the Henson dynasty.

But of course the biggest crime committed by Murdoch was the dispicable, immoral phone-hacking. The nation believed that News International could not possibly sink lower than the hacking of the mobile phone of murdered teenager Milly Dowler, but recent revelations have proved Murdoch to be even more intrusive. On the orders of the soulless husk of a man and liver-spot aficianado, every playground conversation that took place using tin cans and piece of string was put under surveillance. Children the country over were gripped in a culture of fear as news of their secret hideouts and the idenities of their imaginary friend were splashed all over the front page of the News of the World. The kingdom of fear created by Rupert the bare-face liar was so far-reaching that one child, Simon, who shall remain nameless for legal reasons, spoke at length about the fact that he no longer felt safe exchanging football stickers, as he was terrified that one of Murdoch's agents would try and slip a Ryan Giggs sparkly one into his deck and implicate him into that scandal.

Now that the parliamentary committee has reached its verdict it has recommended that a proprietor of a more fitting moral standard be elevated to the role of head of News International. Current front-runners include Bernie Ecclestone, Rose West and a knob of butter from a three-star hotel in Torquay. Murdoch, meanwhile, is to be incarcerated in a secure sandbox until the committee finds a matron imposing and strong enough to keep an eye on the slithering calculated bag of doddery self-interest.